Top 10 Things Your Cat Wishes You Knew

FlourishAnyway is a kick-butt Cat Lady. If she won the lottery, she would spay/neuter both homeless cats and all the cat haters.

Let's Have a Nose-to-Nose Conversation

Cats are compelling "philoso-furrs," extraordinary companions, and the most trusted of therapists, but they do have job stress of their own, you know.

It's time for a nose-to-nose conversation with your kitty, so pull up a lap and learn what cats are really thinking.

10 Things Your Cat Would Tell You if It Could

1. Yes, you do look fat in those pants.
2. Being a people person is so over-rated.
3. What's a little pee between friends?
4. Cats really do run the internet.
5. There's a reason why I follow you to the bathroom.
6. Sometimes even I feel like you need to get out more.
7. There are few things that cannot be cured with a good nap.
8. I'm smarter than most fifth graders and way cuter.
9. There's nothing like a cardboard box for hours of entertainment.
10. You need me as much as I need you.

1. Yes, You Do Look Fat in Those Pants. But Chubby Tummies Make for Better “Biscuits.”

You squeeze into last year's jeans and inch up that zipper, asking your significant other, "Do these pants make my butt look big?" But the mirror doesn't lie and neither, sista, do I. You're putting a serious hurtin' on those seams.

Call it fat, or call it fluffy. I just call it like it is, but don't you worry. Ain't no judgment between us friends. (Well, maybe just a little.) Chubby tummies make better "biscuits." I like the look and can just imagine kneading your doughy stomach with my paws right now.

(Cats: Their Body Language Says It All.) Great story, bro. I'm totally diggin' all those fun details.

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2. Being a People Person Is So Overrated. You Understand That.

No one ever accused cats of being team players, and cat people understand that being a "people person" is much over-rated. Dogs reliably run to the door to welcome their masters home. They put up with so much human nonsense: playing fetch, leashes, obeying orders, and dressing up in Halloween outfits and Christmas sweaters.

Not so much with cats. We're divas, lone wolves, the kings and queen bees of the pet world. We're all like, "Bow down to me, b*tches."

Cats don't take orders; we give them. If we don't like something, we'll let you know. We can go all Greta Garbo on you in a minute if we think you have visitors, unless, of course, there's a cat hater among them. That's our call to action. We'll sit on their lap just to watch 'em squirm.

Admit it. Somewhere in you lurks an evil something that appreciates all of our people-particular, high and mighty nuances. That, my friend, is what makes our relationship click.

Are Cats Effective Team Players?

3. What’s a Little Pee Between Friends?

Cats are the first to acknowledge that when there are major changes, we can come undone, become territorial. Being the creatures of habit that we are, sometimes pee happens. Out of the box. On that pile of dirty laundry laying on the floor. (Didn't someone tell you to pick it up anyway?) On the bathroom rug. Or up against a wall.

While we do appreciate your taking us to the vet to rule out medical problems like a urinary tract infection, the next best thing to do is just get some OdoBan and get over it. Seriously. What's a little pee between friends? And stopping changing things.

(Computer Cats: Internet Addicts) Whoa! So THAT'S where kittens come from?!?

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(Cats: The Audience in the Bathroom). You call it a toilet. I call it a giant water bowl.

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4. Cats Really Do Run the Internet.

Whether it's an adorable cat video, funny meme, or kitty eye candy, we cats dominate the internet, paws down. We'll never ask you to come outside and throw Frisbee. You don't even have to leave the comfort of your own couch unless it's to feed us. Instead, we beckon you to "like," "share," and simply stare and smile at us online.

Scientists suggest that humans' fascination with cats can be explained by felines' resemblance to human infants. We have dome-shaped noggins, large doe eyes, and tiny button noses that trigger the desire to nurture.¹ (Ever wonder why so many cat lovers are women?)

But don't spend so much time online that you neglect your own four-footed wonders. Photos are wonderful, but stroking the downy underside of a cat you love is like touching the gates of heaven itself. That is until Kitty suddenly decides she has had enough affection and nips the hand that feeds her . . . then we just hope you got it on video.

5. There’s a Reason Why I Follow You to the Bathroom.

Do you want to know why I follow you to the bathroom?

You obviously know where my tail is. I flaunt it, swish it, slap it against the ground, or bristle it as a warning sign. There's certainly no hiding this important communication tool.

But what about you? I am perplexed why you have your tail on backward. (And some of you seem to hide yours completely.) This is one of life's great mysteries for us cats.

Cats: you can't have just one.

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6. Sometimes Even I Feel Like You Need to Get Out More.

I get it that we're close companions, snuggle bunny bedmates, even lunch buddies. We spend an awful lot of time together, and sure, I enjoy it, too.

Sometimes, however, even I feel like you need to expand your horizons. Get out more. Make more human friends. How about just one? (And don't tell me you've never heard this before.)

7. I’m Smarter Than Most Fifth Graders and Way Cuter.

Let's face it. When it comes to superhuman abilities, cats are downright awesome. We can:

• hear in ultrasound²
• see in ultraviolet³
• fit through small openings, and
• (let's face it) we are clever as all get-out

Scientists have tried in vain to study cat intelligence. We frustrate their feeble attempts to understand us better because we won't cooperate with their petty tests.⁴ (Imagine that!) Let's just say that cats are smarter than most fifth graders and way cuter, too.

8. There’s Nothing Like a Cardboard Box for Hours of Entertainment.

Give a cat a cardboard box and you provide hours—if not days—of amusement and comfort. Cats aren't difficult to entertain.

Thus, instead of spending your hard-earned cash on a closet full of fancy cat toys and whirlygigs, why not rotate some cardboard boxes of various sizes through Kitty's world? Then, go ahead and spring for some catnip, ping pong balls, and a running water drinking fountain. She'll let you know what makes her happy!

Entertain Your Cat With These Inexpensive and Makeshift Toys

Cat nap: Every sleeping cat is an angel.

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9. There Are Few Things That Cannot Be Cured With a Good Nap.

There's nothing like a good nap to clear the mind, restore the body, and cleanse the spirit. Sleep confers important benefits. It

• improves concentration;
• clears the brain of toxins and;
• enhances learning, concentration, and creativity.⁵

Rather than teasing cats about our love of sleep, why not get a little more sleep yourself? It could be the difference you've been looking for.

10. You Need Me as Much as I Need You.

Since cats were domesticated nearly 10,000 years, we have offered humans dividends in the gift of health and companion benefits. Cats

• help ease levels of stress, depression, and anxiety;⁶
• lower your blood pressure;⁷
• decrease your risk of a heart attack or stroke by as much as 30%.

Research shows that sharing your home with a cat is the emotional equivalent of sharing it with a romantic partner.⁸ Cats are emotionally available. We listen without offering unwanted advice or criticism. We never say, "I told you so," and never demand that you change the channel.

If you snore, we'll consider it as loud purring. We overlook your morning breath even if it smells like the worst litter box ever because that's what real friends do.

In exchange, we need a safe, loving environment where we can reign supreme, with you always acting in our best interest from the time we're vulnerable kittens until we take our last ragged breaths, because that's also what real friends do.

Locations With Names Associated With Cats

Notes

• ¹Stein, Perry. "Why Do Cats Run the Internet? A Scientific Explanation." The New Republic. Accessed May 6, 2015. http://www.newrepublic.com/article/politics/101283/cats-internet-memes-science-aesthetics.
• ²Knapton, Sarah. "Sound of Crinkling Tin Foil Can Cause Seizures in Cats - Telegraph." Telegraph.co.uk. Accessed May 6, 2015. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/science/science-news/11566131/Sound-of-crinkling-tin-foil-can-cause-seizures-in-cats.html.
• ³Lewis, Tanya. "Cats and Dogs May See in Ultraviolet." LiveScience.com. Last modified February 18, 2014. https://www.livescience.com/43461-cats-and-dogs-see-in-ultraviolet.html.
• ⁴Grimm, David. "Cat Intelligence and Cognition: Are Cats Smarter Than Dogs?" Slate Magazine. Last modified April 21, 2014. http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/science/2014/04/cat_intelligence_and_cognition_are_cats_smarter_than_dogs.html.
• ⁵Markman, Art. "How Getting More Sleep Can Help You Solve Your Creative Problems | Business + Innovation." Fast Company. Last modified April 27, 2015. http://www.fastcompany.com/3045411/work-smart/how-getting-more-sleep-can-help-you-solve-your-creative-problems.
• ⁶Borchard, Therese J. "6 Ways Pets Relieve Depression." Psych Central.com. Last modified January 26, 2015. http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/05/19/6-ways-pets-relieve-depression/.
• ⁷Paddock, Catherine. "Cat Owners Have Lower Heart Attack Risk, Study Medical News Today." Medical News Today. Last modified February 25, 2008. http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/98432.php.
• ⁸Benjamin, Kathy. "8 Benefits of Being a Cat Owner." Mental Floss. Last modified June 14, 2001. http://mentalfloss.com/article/51154/8-benefits-being-cat-owner.