How to Grieve the Loss of a Pet
When grieving the death of a pet, time doesn't heal all wounds. It takes deliberate actions to heal our hurt.
When my 15-year-old Welsh corgi died after a long and slow decline, I thought I would eventually experience relief but didn't. Grief gripped me and wouldn't let go. I even felt guilty for crying so much over the loss of my dog when I hadn't shed a tear upon the deaths of certain relatives.
I came to realize that the expression "time heals all wounds" wasn't true, as my sadness held on week after week. I needed to take concrete steps to move the grieving process along, comfort myself, and find peace. I finally realized that my sorrow over T-Bone was tied to my father's unexpected death seventeen years earlier. He died two days after I had returned home from my honeymoon. As both a new wife and a new kindergarten teacher, I didn't have time to process his passing. When T-Bone died, I finally got the a chance to mourn both my father and my dog. Here are five steps I took that proved invaluable in getting over the death of my pet.
Our dead are never dead to us, until we have forgotten them.— George Eliot
1. Re-visit the Five Stages of Grieving by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross was a psychiatrist who studied the grieving process and wrote On Death and Dying, the seminal book on the topic. She developed a grief model that includes five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I first came upon her work when taking an introductory psychology class in high school and have returned to it throughout my life when needed – most recently, when T-Bone passed.
While each person grieves in her own unique way, it's helpful to understand the 5 stages and realize we're not alone in what we're experiencing. We're normal. When my father died, I had just returned from my honeymoon and jumped back into a new school year. I felt like a performer in the theatre with everyone watching me play three distinct roles: the heartbroken daughter, the perky kindergarten teacher, and the adoring new wife. I simply did not have time to take care of myself, to get in touch with my feelings, and to grieve my dad's death.
With T-Bone's death, I made a conscious decision to do things differently -- to become proactive and deal with my emotions in concrete ways. Based on what I experienced with my dad's death, I knew I could get stuck in the stages of anger and depression for long periods of time. To combat that, I developed a plan that included exercising more, eating healthier, taking long baths, writing in a journal, and making plenty of time to read, relax, and be alone. I wrote a Dear T-Bone letter in which I explained to my wonderful dog how much he meant to me and my entire family. My younger son and I printed out digital photos of our dog and created a scrapbook, Our Memories of T-Bone.
The 5 Stages of Grief in Animation
2. Reach Out for Support by Posting Your Pet's Death on Social Media
Thinking back on my dad's death, I recalled what brought me the greatest comfort: People sharing fond or funny memories of him. People hugging me without saying a word. People coming by the house, calling me on the phone, or sending me sympathy cards. People acknowledging my loss and asking how they could help. People inviting me out for lunch or a walk in the park to talk and cry.
Wanting that same kind of support but realizing most folks didn't know about T-Bone's passing, I posted a death notice on Facebook. This was a surprising move for me because I'm a harsh critic of social media in all its egregious superficiality. After all, do I really need to see a photo of your meal every time you dine at a restaurant or see all your bikini photos while you vacationed in the Caribbean? Yet, I was deeply touched by the kind words written about my beloved dog, gratified to know he had touched the lives of others in addition to mine. It was a fantastic way for me to connect with fellow animal lovers and bypass those who aren't. There's no point in trying to get sympathy from people who just can't relate to your loss.
3. Be Grateful for Those Who Try to Bring Comfort — No Matter How Clumsily
I get so annoyed at people who criticize others for saying "the wrong thing" when someone dies. Yes, I agree that some people, feeling awkward in the moment, make insensitive remarks. Several individuals asked me immediately following T-Bone's death: “When are you getting a new dog?” and a couple made the clichéd comment “He's in a better place now” (believe me, he's was in a damn good place here with me as his nursemaid)! Yet, I so appreciated their attempts and took no offense. Talking about death is awkward so cut people some slack!
When my friend had a miscarriage, she was so prickly about anything and everything people said. I remember her railing against a teenager who said “that's a total bummer" upon hearing the news. I, however, sincerely thanked everyone who commented on T-Bone's death, knowing it's far worse when people make no effort at all.
Seventeen years have passed, but I still remember the folks who chickened out by not saying a darn thing when my dad died. They're the ones who deserve criticism. My new in-laws never said a word to me and that certainly tarnished our early relationship. They were there in full-force to celebrate a wedding but totally mute when acknowledging a death. I think it's far better to stick out your neck and risk saying "the wrong thing" than taking the easy way out by saying nothing. Believe me, that's what really hurts the grieving person!
The word 'happiness' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.
4. Let the Tears Fall
When someone weeps in our presence, we instinctively say: “Now, now, don't cry.” We don't say it because we want to make them feel better; we say it because their crying makes us feel awkward. We want to stop it and have everything get back to normal. When we were children, many of us got admonished for being weepy. Our parents told us, “Don't be a cry baby” and “Crying is a sign of weakness.”
But people who are dealing with the death of a loved one need to cry. It's a normal, healthy part of the grieving process. A study conducted at the University of Florida found that 88% of people said a good cry improved their mood while only 8% said it made them feel worse. Crying is also beneficial in the following ways:
It reduces tension. It helps our bodies rid itself of chemicals that raise cortisol, the hormone that causes stress.
It helps us express our pain without saying a word. Our tears say it all.
It releases all kinds of pent-up emotions: sadness, grief, despair, anxiety, anger, frustration and even joy. When we suppress our tears and bottle up our feelings, we may become depressed.
It keeps us healthy. Some cities in Japan even have crying rooms where people come together, watch sad movies, and let the tears fall – all in the name of staying mentally and emotionally sound.
There is sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love.— Washingtonn Irving
5. Make Plans to Get a New Pet
While many people don't want to rush out and “replace” their deceased pet, it's helpful to start making plans for getting a new companion. There are so many dogs, cats, and other animals in need of good homes and adopting one will make you feel a lot better. Plus, the evidence continues to build about the amazing health benefits people derive from owning pets. Research shows having an animal in the family lowers our blood pressure, decreases our anxiety, and bolsters our immunity. Planning for a new pet will keep your mind busy, offer hope, and move along the grieving process so you don't get stuck.
Missing My Dog
These are some ways to heal your heart when your pet dies. I miss my dog every day as I go through the paces of life, seeing all the places in our home where he loved to sleep. But each day becomes easier as I take concrete steps to incorporate memories of him into my life -- gaining strength from the time we had together. He was a great dog and I'm a better person from having been his owner.
Whether grieving the death of a pet or a person, this book is a must read!
I feel fortunate T-Bone's death led me to this book. While reading it, I shed tears, had sleepless nights, and re-lived the deaths of people in my life. But it was all worth it. It was necessary and cathartic for me to go back over these losses, put them in perspective, and finally mourn. I can't praise this book enough for helping me grieve and move forward.