Dr. Mark is a veterinarian. He has been working with dogs for more than 40 years.
This is the ultimate list! These are the five breeds you must be afraid of (editor's note: This is meant to be in good fun!).
Although this slacker breed likes to bark, at first glance, this cute and hypoallergenic dog seems like a great choice for a pet. However, psychological tests reveal that this dog actually harbors feelings of repressed violence and deep feelings of resentment (because of its size and saccharine cuteness). Those buyers foolish enough to choose one of these dogs to be with their family soon find out what a mistake they have made.
Although not usually violent, the Maltese will turn around in the middle of grooming or a play session and stalk off to be alone. This passive-aggressive behavior means that this is obviously a dog to be afraid of.
4. Yorkshire Terrier
This breed of dog was bred to be a killer of rats in the sweatshops of Old England and the killer trait still survives. Yorkies are most vicious when facing visitors and will attack and use their ankle-biting techniques to draw blood. Despite (or because of) their ability to hide in a purse, this breed's violence should never be underestimated.
Since the introduction of the Men in Black movies, this dog has proliferated and become a threat to vet techs everywhere. The dog looks innocent enough with its smushed-in face and big eyes, but as soon as it is presented for a nail trim, the Pug turns into a bloodthirsty killer. Anatomical limits prevent the dog from being muzzled, and its chubby body means that these round little dogs cannot be restrained like a larger dog. This dog may not have been bred to be dangerous, and may not look like it to the average person, but the Pug is.
This breed looks innocent enough. It will pounce around the home doing calculus homework or day trading until it's time to kill. We interviewed Jean Blue from Tennessee, a well-known Papillon breeder, and she told us about the pack she keeps in her third-floor walkup. “I started out with these dogs because I heard how smart they were and thought they would be great pets, but they get worse every day. The aliens taught them to pick the locks and now they get out when I am at work. These dogs have been responsible for the polar shift and the weather changes all around the planet.”
You may not be afraid of this dog, but you should be.
This breed of dog was originally bred for llama-baiting in the Chihuahua area of Mexico; after that sport was declared illegal, unscrupulous breeders selected these dogs to fight each other. (Or they were bred for meat? Maybe watchdogs? The sources vary on this one.) This breed of dog has now masqueraded as a pet and infiltrated the homes of many unsuspecting families. Although some countries have been wise enough to ban this vicious animal through BSL (breed-specific legislation), in other areas it is still bred and kept as a family dog. The Chihuahua has the most powerful jaws of any known domestic animal, is able to lock its jaws and hold on while shaking its prey to death, and, most frightening of all, has a brain larger than the size of its skull and the pressure drives him into fits of frenzy.
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We interviewed a Chihuahua owner (who asked that she be kept anonymous), and she told us of the trials she has faced with a yard full of these dogs. “I got this one male and all he does is lay around and growl at everyone. He ain't got no papers so I can't stud him out, and he only got one ball so he's firing blanks anyway. I wish I never would have got him.” That is a typical story. The breed attracts those buyers looking for a teacup dog that will fit in a purse but soon develops into a ferocious monster.
This is the most vicious breed of dog, one that no family should consider.
Holly on February 20, 2020:
Of course it’s meant to be a joke but I find it to be incredibly true!
Dr Mark (author) from The Atlantic Rain Forest, Brazil on June 19, 2019:
Ron, you may be reading challenged. THis is a satire. Do you understand the concept of satire?
You are a very rude person.
Chuckles on May 01, 2018:
Im trying my darndest to disprove most of these...since my chuck the dog is Maltese,Yorkie, and Pug mix. He is so nice, doesn't bark, deathly afraid for the most part. However, its is true he sometimes walks away after playing awhile (Maltese), will chase a tiny birds (yorkie), and the strenghth of an excited pug. OK...he bit me once hard...but if he does get your finger, he controls the bite so so well....I think I have the perfect dog for us.
the pink umbrella from the darkened forest deep within me. on January 04, 2015:
lol I read this and thought ...this has to b a joke right? because I have a Chihuahua and she is precious. they are actually #1 in affection!!!
Nora on April 11, 2014:
I have a yorkie-maltese mix and I can tell you, she's not just vicious, she's diabolical. She does this thing when you walk in the door where she scrambles around at your feet. She's quite clever--makes it look like she wants a belly rub. In reality she's waiting for you to trip over her. After that, she can lay on your back and pin you down (so you don't do anything too risky, like move).
I'm not fooled. I know a stealth attack when I see one. But my guests...they fall for it every time.
Anyone know where I can find "Beware of Lap Dog" signs for my house?
Anni Takison from california, USA on May 14, 2013:
amazing for me giving valuable info. i just love dogs. they are my best buddies. so love your hub.
Dr Mark (author) from The Atlantic Rain Forest, Brazil on April 20, 2013:
If she is a teacup Chihuahua, I think the major arteries in his neck are safe too! Can you imagine her biting down with enough force to go through a few layers?
Thanks for your comment.
BTW, I just found some "snake boots" for sale on Amazon. I think they were really invented to protect spouses of Chihuahua owners!!!
Patricia Phillips on April 20, 2013:
I have a teacup Chihuahua that I rescued from a high-kill shelter. Although she worships the ground I walk on, she regularly tries to kill my husband. If she could reach his neck, he'd be a dead man. He's just lucky to have no major arteries in his ankles.
Loved the hub. Absolutely spot-on!
Highland Terrier from Dublin, Ireland on April 09, 2013:
How do think this stuff up? I truly enjoyed this hub. Excellent.
Dr Mark (author) from The Atlantic Rain Forest, Brazil on April 06, 2013:
Thanks for commenting on this. Poor Pug!
On the humor issue, you´ll note that I did not write in big letters "THIS IS SATIRE" nor try to classify it as humor. Just like your first humor article, a lot of people do not get it and call me an a**, p*****, and various other things. Needless to say I just deny those comments. My whole point in writing this was "so what?" How much damage can a little flat-face Pug do?
Theophanes Avery from New England on April 06, 2013:
You might be onto something here... I've had 3 of these 5 dog breeds try to bite me at one point or another. The Pug was the funniest. I had him sitting on my lap like a baby trimming his front paws. Ooooh he wasn't happy with that, snapping at me. Sadly I couldn't resist taunting him more, "Really? You're going to try to snag me with that flat face GOOD LUCK!" Everyone was laughing at the poor dear. 'Course the yorkie was funny too. I came in and it was yapping at me so I jokingly looked at it dead in the eye and growled. It was lodged behind a chair barking for the next four hours even though I'd long since gone upstairs. SIGH. They apparently don't have a sense of humor.