Why Can't I Get Over My Dog's Death?
Coping With Losing Your Best Friend
I have learned over the past two years that losing your best friend is sometimes harder from one pet to the other. It is as if there is no rhyme or reason to it, but here are the things that have helped me heal. That's not to say that I will miss him any less, but these tips have made the pain tolerable.
- Celebrate your good fortune that you had him or her in your life!
- Try and focus on the happiest memories and the good things
- Remember him or her with pictures, collages, even a desktop slide show
- Be thankful for the many moments you had in spite of your loss - the glass is half full
- Allow yourself to be sad - whenever it comes upon you
- Cry when you must and laugh when you can
- Don't give up on another dog or pet - I tend to believe that your best friend will 'come back to you' in ways you have not realized yet
- Realize life is not always fair but realize that time does make heartbreak easier to take
- Let yourself grieve without guilt, shame or remorse - we cannot change the events in our lives. We can only accept them and move on.
Of All the Dogs in the World
To say I have loved and lost before when it came to dogs would be an understatement. I have been so blessed in my lifetime to own at least 15 dogs. However, as much as they were so incredibly special to me, I have never taken the death of one of my dogs as hard as I've taken losing Griffin. I have come to the conclusion that somehow he was my therapy dog and I didn't even know I had one!
I had just lost one of my most favorite dogs ever when I lost Kodi. People that know me say every dog is my favorite but unfortunately, they would be wrong. There were favorites – and many of them – I just couldn’t help it. I have been blessed with having all these dogs over my lifetime (which was still not enough I will add) but there were always sublime standouts. I did not want to start over again. I was at that point where I had just one dog left and she was older, and frankly, I just didn’t want to go through that pain again myself.
Then I saw him. My friend, who was a malamute breeder, sent me a picture of 4 puppies (2 of them long-hair malamutes) and I fell in love with him. However, I told myself “No, can’t go there again” and told the breeder thanks but no thanks. It hurts too much and how can I ever replace my Kodi? He was part malamute and he had been one of the magic ones. I talked to my husband about it and he definitely didn’t want to go down heartbreak lane again.
That being said, I decided to leave it at that. Cut our losses so to speak and quit going through the trauma. The last thing I needed to see (though in retrospect the best thing that ever happened to me) was the movie The Proposal. The puppy in that movie did it. It simply sealed the deal. I walked out of the theater, turned to Bob and said simply “I’m so sorry but this decision goes to a higher power. I have to have that puppy.” It seemed fortuitous as my friend had already given away the puppy away but she got him back just for me.
To say Griffin was the dog of all time would be putting it mildly. I feel like I’m Elizabeth Barrett Browning but how do I describe the ways I have loved that dog? I’ve known a lot of dogs in my day obviously but this little fellow was just surreal. I wanted to name him Dante, which ironically means enduring. He has certainly put a stamp on my heart I will carry with me forever.
I could go on and on and wax eloquent about his many characteristics but suffice it to say that 2 years later and change, I still cry over losing him almost every day. I dream about him, but I suppose that is a good thing. He was in a word incredible. He was so beautiful and I mean inside and out. Every day that I had him I thought how blessed I was to have him in my life and how incredibly happy I am still to have known him and raised him. Malamutes are not known for being “as teachable” as Griffin was. I always laugh when I say it, but he would literally do anything for a treat. If you don't believe me, look at his pictures in some of my other hubs. These were all captured with the promise of just a treat and a few words of instruction or encouragement!
He was majestic. He was incredibly handsome. Every person who ever passed him on the street, saw him in the back of our car or came to visit was just in awe of this gorgeous creature who also happened to be almost human. We had people pass us in their car when we had the back open, put it in reverse and come back just to look at him and go “wow – what a beautiful dog.” That was putting it mildly.
He had a language all his own and he talked to everyone he met and to us every day. He was one of the most social dogs I’ve ever seen. He loved nothing more than to travel with us, be with us, or to just talk to us. He loved walking down the streets, going on hikes, or cruising counters. He was the expert of all time there and made it look like you were the one who was mistaken. There was nothing left of anything so no crumbs or incriminating evidence. He would just look at us innocently as if to say “What are you talking about? What food?”
He would lie next to us in bed just for a bit to say he loved us and put his head on you in just the right place or cuddle against you just so. I called it Griffin acupressure. Instead of being frightened, most people were drawn to all 95 pounds of him. We had people run out of hotels to touch him or call down from balconies exclaiming they had never seen such a beautiful boy.
A young baseball team termed him "polar bear" and came outside in the pouring rain with multiple other people from the hotel just to pet him. We had people who followed us in the parks just to ask about him or pet him. We had families with children hold an elevator door just to let him ride with them and pet him rather than be frightened of him and his size.
He was such a special fellow. Walking downtown one cold wintry day, we had a throng of kids scream “snow dog” at the top of their lungs and laden with hats, coats, backpacks come running at him. They literally flung themselves on him and he just ate it all up rather than eating them up! I always said he was like a life-sized teddy bear. His fur was so soft that I can still almost feel it when I look at his pictures.
On top of being just an incredibly beautiful dog, he possessed the quality I find most endearing in life, which is humor. He had to be the funniest dog I have ever had the pleasure to own. His mannerisms, his antics, his training moments, his “talk” – all of it just made us laugh over and over.
Malamutes are most often thought of as snow dogs, yes, but they are also thought of as dangerous by many and as dogs that can be a bit challenging. If anything, Griffey was predictable. He would do anything for attention or treats and he loved, loved, loved people. He just loved life. He did so many comical things that we never had a day where we did not laugh over a “Griffin” moment.
He watched TV, ran upstairs to see my daughter and son-in-law on Skype and then tried to find out where they were hiding behind my desk. Yet, he was sweet and gentle enough that when we brought his niece home when she was 6 weeks old and he was 2 years old, he showed her the ropes and was the best mentor a puppy could have had. I marveled at him every day that I had him – and I truly thanked God for the time I had with him. I still do. No matter how much it hurts to have lost him.
Griffin in Training Making Everyone Laugh
Griffin Gallery - Some of Thousands
Click thumbnail to view full-size
People die every day of cancer. Dogs die every day of cancer or tragedies like poisoning or being hit by a car and much, much worse. I think the thing that upset me the most about losing my Griff was that I tried so hard to appreciate him, to give thanks every day for him. I was in love with him as a dog because he was absolutely incredible. I took such good care of all of my dogs but it just didn’t make any sense to me at all that this dog, so full of life and love, just all of a sudden ran across the deck one day and yelped. We had just come home from walking and he started to limp on his leg. He was so very much alive and so happy in all that he did that it seemed illogical that it could be something terrible. He was only 6 years old. How could anything be seriously wrong with him? Even the vets thought it was just a muscle sprain. No one thought it was serious enough to take x-rays, including us.
Resting and medications didn’t make it go away and poor Griffin was just frustrated. He wanted to live. He wanted to run and cruise counters. He wanted to have his life back. I am most grateful for the fact that after this started, before we knew how bad it was, we went on a week’s vacation. We always travel with our dogs and Griff and Gabby always went with us to hotels and on our outings and treks. At least I had the time to say goodbye (though little did I know it was going to be goodbye). As sick as he was, he was his usual magnetic self. We had time to cuddle. We had time to go to the places I wanted him to see though he was hampered by the limp so we could not do much – but he was with us for a full week and I treasure that time I had with him now. I do feel some closure over that.
We had an appointment on the day after we got home from vacation with an orthopedic vet because we couldn’t understand why he wasn’t getting better even with the medications and rest. Unfortunately, when they went to finally x-ray my beautiful boy, his leg snapped because the tumor had eaten away the bone. He went from somewhat in pain to being in excruciating pain. He also couldn’t walk on his leg anymore and now had to drag it. Just the sound of it still haunts me.
We were told they could amputate his leg (which would be a horrible thing for a 95-pound dog with cancer) and one as energetic as Griffin but that unfortunately and even more tragically, it would not save him in the slightest. He went from a little uncomfortable to crying all night and being hardly able to move with his now nonfunctional front leg. It did not take long for us both to realize that this was not fair of us to do to our beloved dog. It literally broke my heart but we had to have him put to sleep to ease his pain. I could not live with him suffering like that. They gave us the option to keep increasing his medication but unless he was practically comatose, he was in too much pain.
In the aftermath of it all, I’ve beaten myself up at least a million times. Why didn’t I see it sooner? When did it start and how did all that time go by and I couldn’t see it? What could I have done to save him? I have never been angry about it except at myself I suppose for not knowing. Would it have changed his outcome? No, I don’t think so at all. It is a genetic thing and it is most of all just so horribly tragic.
The most magnificent dog in the world should not have had to suffer that way and we should not have had to lose him. At first I would tell people “You just don’t understand. He was so special!” What I realized later was the fact that we all have had a dog that was the most magnificent in our eyes and in our hearts. It certainly can’t hurt any less for anyone to lose their best friend as it hurt for us to lose ours. I saw him everywhere and I still think of him every day, even though we have since moved. He is part of us and he will always be part of me. Unfortunately and fortunately, it is as if he was just here 5 minutes ago.
I read something very profound one day that said “Why do you put a question mark where God has put a period?” Humbling and so very true. I cannot change what life/fate/God’s will has decided where my dog is concerned, and I need to accept it for what it is, one of life’s heartbreaking events.
Today, I try and dwell on the bucket load of blessings he gave me and I recall to the moment what made me laugh about him every day. I have literally thousands of pictures and videos and he lives on through them. He was such a sweet, sweet dog and especially for a malamute, he was one of a kind! He was so incredibly intelligent and observant. I swear he was an angel in fur. He soothed me every day that I had him. He was my therapy dog without me knowing I needed one. I could have done anything with him by my side and I did. I miss him every single day and I think I will miss him until the day that I die. He was that special.
I did not know how I could possibly ever go on but then of course, there was the “little’ matter of his niece, who was broken into pieces as well. She absolutely adored Griffin. She was more devastated than us if that was possible because 4 months earlier, she also lost our “queen bee,” Denaya, our rescued malamute who was probably 16 years old. In a couple of months, Gabby had suffered the loss of her entire canine pack.
As humans, Bob and I cried and cried. We still cry over Griffin, but Gabby just gave up. She came into my office on a daily basis and literally threw herself on the floor in desperation as if to say “What do I do now?” Oh that I could just throw myself on the floor because I would have said the same thing over and over and just given up.
Why do certain dogs mark us? Why do they wrap their paws around our hearts and make it feel so full and then break it apart when they leave? That’s the magical question. We tried everything with Gabby and she would spark for a few minutes with walking. She even became a retriever playing ball in the park and would run until she was exhausted and even came back with the ball! It would always come crashing down though when we were home again. It was very obvious she was grieving and probably going into depression from her loneliness.
Bob was the one who finally said we needed to do something. We felt that she was going to give up and die if we didn’t find her a companion. Enter Mad Max. We ended up going again with a puppy and though he looks nothing like Griffin, he “is” Griffin in many ways. He is not the same exact replica. That is probably a very good thing but then again, he is comical in his own ways.
Strangely, he does things that Griffin used to do. In fact, he adopted Griffin’s chair (I could not leave it behind and brought it with us when we moved). He has many similarities to Griff but he is his own boy. Again, that is good. Most importantly, Gabby did not give up. She rose to the occasion and embraced her new pal with all the zest and love that Griffin gave to her when she came on the scene. The most treasured and bittersweet moment was seeing Gabby “smile” in pictures when she was playing with Max, tolerating Max, and showing him the ropes that her beloved Uncle Griffin showed her.
I believe Griff lives on in spite of his tragic death and I only hope that he is running free somewhere and saying it’s all okay...or that he is waiting for us on the other side. He was a treasure I have never seen the likes of nor will I ever again I imagine. I will always miss him because he made such an imprint on my heart, but I do believe he is coming back to us in his own ways through Max and just by us remembering him. There will never be another one like him, but to have known him and to have loved him was the ultimate gift of a lifetime.
I have thought about this so many times and truthfully have gone at it from every angle possible.
- Was it meant to teach us something?
- Did it happen to prepare us for the other losses that occurred over those 2 years since Griffin left us?
- Will it ever get easier to look back without grieving for him still?
- Is it possible that I will ever get over losing my all-time favorite canine companion?
I don’t know the answers to any of those questions but I do believe that perhaps time at least soothes all wounds if not heals them. It is certainly easier today than it was 2 years ago or even 1 year ago perhaps.
The only conclusion that I’ve come to is that everyone grieves in their own way and that healing is never going to be same for everyone. Every experience will be different, just as with the grief I felt over losing other dogs. In those cases, I did heal more quickly but that really has nothing to do with the current grief that I feel from my loss of Griffin.
Unbelievably to me still is that I lost a Labrador at exactly the same age to the same exact condition and accepted that tragedy much easier than this time. That in itself made me feel very guilty for some time, but I realize now that it is about how much love I felt for Griffin that is perhaps prolonging the grief and loss. I did not love Mariah any less - I just loved Griffin more somehow.
All I know in the end is that I loved him with all my heart and to have done that is far better than what my life would have been without him in it. He was priceless to me and my time spent with him will always bring me joy, in spite of the pain of losing him too soon.
Saying Goodbye Is So Very Hard To Do
In my heart and in my mind, we walk along the ocean still and he is whole and healthy.
Rest in peace, my sweet, sweet boy and thank you for all the happiness you gave us. Thank you for visiting me in my dreams and for channeling Max! (Please try harder there - he needs a lot more help, bless his heart!)
Six years was definitely not long enough. I will never forget you.
Why Do We Love Our Dogs?
There are a lot of reasons and I've come to realize every single one of them in the past 2 years!
- Pleasers - they try to do what's right to please us (most of the time)
- Unconditional love generators - try to make them stop loving you!
- Tactile soothers - (in Griff's case, a living, breathing furry body pillow or a real life teddy bear)
- Joy makers - laughter and merriment because they do the funniest things
- Goal makers - I want to train my smart malamute to do tricks!!! (not easy)
- Faith builders - through their innocent eyes, life is simpler
Use Whatever Tools You Can To Cope with Loss
Reading articles and books such as "Losing My Best Friend" noted below really helped me cope with my loss. Even though it is hard, I love the line remember them with tears and laughter because the tears are inevitable but the laughter always comes back as well.
Having loads of pictures and videos have helped me tremendously as well. I can put myself right back there and again be so grateful for the ride with Griff.
As I was trying to heal from suffering my terrible loss, I found myself doing a lot of writing about it. As I mentioned, it took me quite a long while to write this!
I further went on to write a book about it, pouring my heart and soul into that. I was hoping to aid others who might be going through the same experience and possibly having as hard a time as I have had getting over my favorite dog of all time.
I have found a great inner peace and comfort in being able to channel my grief into a positive from such a sad "chapter" in my life in losing him.
In short, doing whatever we can to heal ourselves is the ticket. If we can somehow learn to express what we feel or even just get to a point of understanding it a bit more, we can achieve the ability to grieve but not quite as acutely. I still cried many tears in writing my book but it did help. I only hope that it goes on to help others as well.
Epilogue
As I said above, I always think that somehow Griffin speaks to me and wants me to be okay since he's gone. Yesterday, a very dear friend of mine at work shared a video with me from Animal Watch with Anneka going to visit the giant malamutes owned by Lorna Bartlett from Arctic Rainbow Malamutes.
What immediately stood out to me and almost knocked me off my chair was Taggie, the beautiful long-hair malamute who came in the sliding door and seemed to gravitate toward Anneka. I began to cry. It was liking watching a movie of my sweet Griffin. She looked like him, she had many of the same mannerisms and it was just surreal. It made me miss him terribly, but then in some way, it made me think of Griff when he was healthy, happy and so very personable.
Don't misunderstand - all of Lorna's malamutes are beautiful and enchanting. I could see Gabby in one and my rescued malamute Denaya who died in 2015 as well. Even Dooby reminded me of a malamute I was going to adopt after Griffin died but he was a little too big for us.
I contacted Lorna just to tell her thank you for the incredible gift she had given me of somehow "seeing Griffin" again. I will keep the video forever in my favorites and look at it maybe when I'm missing him. Lorna wrote me back that Dooby had just died 3 weeks ago and again I cried, this time for them as I know what a devastating loss that is. My heart goes out to them because malamutes truly do grab you by the heart and become part of your human "pack."
Part of working through grief I think is just learning to take it a day at a time and finding ways that bring our pet back to us in some small way. This video did it for me and for that, I shall be eternally grateful. It is yet another coping tool and a wonderful way to remember my sweet boy.
Animal Watch Giant Alaskan Malamutes
Good Resource on Amazon
I had so much laughter with Griffin that this book really meant a lot to me. Remembering him with laughter and tears works for me every time. Check out some of the other books on grieving for Fido as well and find the one the speaks to you and your unique relationship with your special dog. I'm sorry for your loss as well.
Questions & Answers
© 2017 Audrey Kirchner
Comments
- AUTHOR
Oh Val, I'm so very sorry. I think that would be so very difficult. I have a kind of similar experience though not quite. I had 4 dogs at the time, 2 of them labs. My daughter for some reason thought I needed a cockatoo (I never asked for one nor did I really think that was a good idea with 4 dogs). I went out for my anniversary dinner with my husband only to get a hysterical phone call (understandably) from my daughter. She had left the labs downstairs with the bird and he got out - and the dogs killed him. She was devastated as well. My point though is that with dogs (or any animals), it is sometimes about instinct. I worry about that a lot with my malamutes because it is very easy to trigger a "prey" instinct in certain breeds of dogs. If a small animal moves too fast - or in the case of my labs - their natural instinct to go after birds kicks in - it is just so awful! I cannot imagine your pain and I'm so sorry for your loss. I am sure you loved Nickee and she loved you every moment that you had with her. I hope that you will be able to forgive yourself as you did all you could to save her - and she knew you loved her. Again, I'm so sorry. If you can find some ways to positively remember her, I hope it will get easier with time. Take care.
My big dog killed my little Chi (4.5 lbs) on Sunday 7/15... the guilt and the pain that I feel is unsurmountable... I cry every day... if only we had crated the big dogs... I took her to emergency vet and ultimately had to put her to sleep... So sweet.. my little Nickee... she would climb into my lap and rub her little face against mine. I miss that...I miss her.
- AUTHOR
Hi "Lovecouldbeanything"
You are welcome to share your memories here.
I lost my baby, I am feeling so overwhelmed, want to share these memories with someone.
- AUTHOR
Gosh, Emma - thank you and I agree with you. They get cancer and it is so horrible to think of them suffering like that. It does not seem fair as they never did anything but love us. I felt terribly guilty and I still do sometimes if I let myself - why didn't I KNOW he had cancer or sense it? I just didn't. We had just the same amount of time with Griffin - that is strange, isn't it? He was diagnosed on Monday and we had to put him to sleep on Wednesday and I held him in my arms as well. I just could not stand to see him suffering that much as they broke his leg when they x-rayed him. There was no fixing it except to medicate him to the hilt, and even with that, he was crying the entire time. We couldn't bear it. I guess we have to just try and remember all those unique Willie and Griffin moments - and if someone did ask me would I do it if I knew the outcome - I would say yes!!!! I would give anything to have those memories even though the loss seems unbearable at times. I have learned to go on with Max and Gabby as they need me - but gosh - he'll never be far from my thoughts or from my heart. I totally understand. Thanks again and take care. Thinking positive thoughts for you to heal and you will - it just takes time.
Dear Audrey,
Thank you for your wonderful words. I just want to say you are beautiful person. I had to read your reply for a few times and I have to say as well, that I agree with you, our dogs were flawless. I have been disappointed in people way too many times to even care to count, but Willie have never ever hurt me. He had died in my arms, he locked his eyes with mine and took one last breath. The world just stopped.He was diagnosed with cancer on Monday and died on Wednesday. I only had 48 hours with him. I feel like someone just took him from me, it was so sudden. This picture is in front of my eyes, feeling powerless...I was his mom but yet I couldn't do a thing to save him. But I was there and the rest of the fam thank God.This little doggie got cancer thanks to our polluted world, and there was nothing I could've done. So much guilt...All he did his whole life was loving us.But reading about your love for your beautiful boy Griff, I am happy I had Willie for as long as I did. Griff deserved to have a longer life, but unfortunately he didn't. I just want to say one more time, thank you Audrey.
- AUTHOR
Hi Emma
I'm so sorry for your loss of Willie. A lifetime happens loving a dog for 16 years and what a treasure! I can't imagine how that must feel because I think the longer we have them if we love them that much - the harder it is going to be to let go. I think if Griff had lived to be 16 I'd be in a padded room. I have so many memories for just 6 short years with him I can't imagine having 10 more. I'm so sorry for you and it makes me cry reading your beautiful words as well. I think that is the healing process - when we know we are NOT alone and that they were not "just" dogs. I would rather think of people as "just" people because to be frank, most of the people I have known have been flawed and some very much so! Dogs are not flawed - they love us no matter what we do. They do not betray us, they do not lie to us - they just love us. That is I think why we miss them SO much when we have to say goodbye. I would rather have "just" a dog rather than many of the people that I have known!!! I think that is terrible to say but it is the truth. People can hurt us so badly but a dog - well - they can't hurt us as it is not in their nature. They can only support us, be there for us through thick and thin and then the worst part of all is we have to give them up. I am still coming to terms with my terrible loss and it has been over 2 years. I think he will always be in my heart and soul but I will always, always miss him and treasure every single moment I had with that beautiful creature. I'm sure Willie hated to leave you and I hope and pray we get to see them "on the other side" some day. I hope they will see us and come running to us and be hale and hearty once more. Thank you for sharing your sorrow with me and again, I'm so sorry for your loss, too. Virtual hugs!
Thank you for such a wonderful read. It brought tears to my eyes... I have recently lost my dog Willie. He had passed away on Jun 13th 2018, and nothing and I mean absolutely nothing could've prepared me for this kind of pain. Some people think I am crazy, some people even say oh cheer up, he was just a dog. I hate when people don't understand how difficult this is. Willie was my best friend for 16 years. He was my best friend and I have known him longer than most of my human friends. I feel like my insides were hollowed out, I feel so empty without him. I miss this beautiful creature. I was in search for comfort and found your read and I took time to say thank you so much I feel so much better after reading it. I am glad I am not alone in this. I think I will be missing Willie until the day I die.
- AUTHOR
Hi Nancy
I'm glad it helps a little - and to be honest with you, even though it is such a tragedy when other people lose their pets, you bring ME comfort as well because I know I'm not alone either. I have felt so conflicted about grieving for Griffin for so long and now I realize that it is just one of those things. Some of us get over our loss easier and some of us - it just takes more time. Nothing wrong with that - and to me, that just means that he (and all the other dogs that you folks have lost) were special in the most profound sort of way. Why wouldn't we be grieving them and missing them?
I am currently working on a book that I hope to publish on Amazon about grieving your dog's loss. I thought I would be crying less writing that since I'd written this - turns out I guess I'm not done crying over it...but again, that's okay. It makes me remember him and gives me peace of a certain kind just knowing he isn't suffering anymore. That was the hardest part for me. Hopefully I will get it finished one day soon. It is another step (I feel) in my own healing process though I'll never be over Griffin just as you won't be over Shasta soon. That is just how it goes when we have one that is super special. They are all super special to me but I think we have seen how one of them can just be a standout amongst the others. That has to be why it hurts so much to say goodbye to them. Take care and thank YOU for your kind, kind words!
Hi Audrey,
Thank you so much for responding to me. It brought tears to my eyes that you cared enough to reply about my special girl. I keep hoping the pain will get easier but it doesn’t seem to be lessening quite yet. I too hope all the pets we’ve loved are somewhere happy until we can see them again! Hugs to you!
* are there any others writings you’ve done about pet loss? You are a very talented writer
- AUTHOR
Hi Nancy
I'm so glad that it helped you! I wrote it as a healing step for myself and it has brought me even more healing hearing from kind people just like you who have felt the pain of loss and feel the same way. That helps me as well. I'm so sorry for your loss of Shasta. There has to be a place where all our beloved pets are running and romping and getting to know each other - free from pain and misery and exactly as we remember them in all their goodness and glory. I only hope we get to meet up with them one day. Like you, I will miss my Griffin boy until the day I die also. Hugs to you and thanks so much for writing!
Hi Audrey,
I loved reading what you wrote! I lost my chihuahua Shasta a few months ago and the pain is awful! It’s comforting to know other people also feel so much love for their dogs that have passed...
My “girl” also was like a therapy dog to me and I think I’ll miss her until the day I die! Your words brought me comfort that I’m not alone! God Bless
Hi Audrey
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response, your words continue to comfort us in this time of terrible loss.
My wife and burst with emotion when we read....
" I only hope I get to see him truly one day and that in the meantime, he is somewhere where the good and pure of heart go - blessing someone else with his sense of humor and his beautiful style.I hope he is there with Henry and that they are best buds. It sounds like they were cut from the same "angel" cloth. Virtual hugs to you both."
Today, in my mind's eye, I am dreaming of them together happy, healthy and free of pain.
Here is my own words...they came to me while reading your response...
"Only good and wonderful dogs take ownership of good and wonderful people"
once again, God bless.
P.S. I hope i didn't send this twice, if so, sorry.
- AUTHOR
Oh Doug, that is so very beautiful! Thank you for writing! Even though it makes me cry, it's okay. We loved them that much...and we always will. Take care. Thinking of you both.
Hi Audrey
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response, your words continue to comfort us in this time of terrible loss.
My wife and burst with emotion when we read....
" I only hope I get to see him truly one day and that in the meantime, he is somewhere where the good and pure of heart go - blessing someone else with his sense of humor and his beautiful style.I hope he is there with Henry and that they are best buds. It sounds like they were cut from the same "angel" cloth. Virtual hugs to you both."
Today, in my mind's eye, I am dreaming of them together happy, healthy and free of pain.
Here is my own words...they came to me while reading your response...
"Only good and wonderful dogs take ownership of good and wonderful people"
once again, God bless.
- AUTHOR
Hi Doug
Well, I always think I can eventually not cry but reading your beautiful description of Henry, I'm sobbing myself. What a wonderful boy he sounds like! He definitely sounds like Griffin in every way possible.
I completely understand your description as well - if we knew what we knew when we had gotten them, would we have gone through it - of course we would because there was something about them that touched our very soul. I'm so sorry for your loss - both you and your wife and know how that goes. Bob and I still cry over Griffey and we have Gabby and Max with us. That seems 'bad' on many levels and we feel guilty almost - but we just loved Griffin so much and he was just the diamond in our lives when it came to our dogs. Max and Gabby give us great pleasure though, and I try and just be grateful for THEM every day that I have them. In fact, Gabby had a frightening vet appointment today and I was in tears feeling guilty because maybe I had thought too much about Griffin - guilt is a powerful thing if we let it be. Thankfully, she is okay and it is "just" her thyroid and not cancer but anything that happens to these dogs that we love is truly enough to make you old in 5 minutes!
I dream about Griffin quite often and I have a lot of people who keep saying that it is a bad thing - I should let go - yada yada yada - but I don't want to let go. He was one of a kind - an angel sent here to help us and love us - and I want to remember him always. I know you will feel the same about Henry. Every once in a while, if I turn quickly and see Max out of the corner of my eye, I think for a moment Griffin is standing there and I 'saw him' in every place we had ever gone with him. The hole is huge sometimes in our hearts but I truly would give anything just to have that boy with us again and go through it - no matter what the outcome.
I do believe that things always happen for some reason and it is a stepping stone in our lives for a reason. I have to believe that though it has been one of the hardest things I've ever coped with. I don't know how that little guy got so deep in my heart but again, it was worth every moment of those short 6 years I had with him. Again, I am so sorry for your beautiful Henry - but I do think we did the right thing. I could not imagine keeping Griff alive and making him suffer. I only hope I get to see him truly one day and that in the meantime, he is somewhere where the good and pure of heart go - blessing someone else with his sense of humor and his beautiful style. I hope he is there with Henry and that they are best buds. It sounds like they were cut from the same "angel" cloth. Virtual hugs to you both. It does get "better" with time I have found, though the rawness of it will always be there I'm afraid just because I adored him/we adored him. In the meantime, give yourself time to grieve and know Henry loved you just as much as you loved him - and probably then some. That is how they seemed to work and why we felt so close to them.
Hi Audrey
Just four days ago we let go our extra large chocolate lab, Henry.
he had wobblers' disease and the results were to the point of bad days outnumbering the good days.
My wife and I are overcome with grief, in spite of knowing we chose our beloveds' well being over ours.
What i find amazing is that after praying that God would show us a sign that would comfort us regarding his passing...I found this article of yours...your description of Griff is ours of Henry verbatim!
Your thoughts and wondering of his purpose in your life...our thoughts exactly, down to every word and point you expressed.
Many days since the day we welcomed 4 month, 55 pound Henry into our lives...we literally thanked God for the angel he blessed us with...his character was unsurpassed in both the canine and human world, he displayed the fruits of the spirit in every situation, every manner.
He was a truly gentle giant, even as an intact 120# male, he NEVER acted aggressive to a single dog challenge or attack, and there was many. He would stand aside for the smallest of dogs to steal attention or to eat or drink before him, yet had the courage and confidence of a lion.
He understood just about every spoken or unspoken word, he faithfully looked you directly in the eyes everyday and communicated his love for you, regardless of his pain.
I have had many dogs during my life and several labs, none were like Henry.
When the end was near and the sorrow was approaching my wife and I asked ourselves....
If Henry came to us and told us..."I am only going to have 7 1/2 years with you and then my pain will surpass my joy and you will need to do the right thing for me...I will give you everything I have but i need you to give back....Do you still want me?"
The answer without question (even in hindsight) would be YES!
We see him everywhere, we think of him everyday and cry.
Thank you for sharing your story, your honesty, your humility and your articulate expressions of love, they are a real blessing and answer to prayer.
God Bless.
- AUTHOR
Hi David
I hope you are, too but sometimes it really takes a while - or somehow, your Ruby will just figure out a way to send someone to you. I believe it, I truly do. It is so hard when we lose them and I think in many ways it is worse than losing a person because it doesn't make sense. Dogs (well, pets) are pure - they don't have malice, they don't have a mean bone really in their body (unless they've been abused or raised all wrong). They just love us pure and simple and that is the hardest thing to let go of. That is what we miss, all that love and devotion. Virtual hugs to you and I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you find peace with it someday soon though you will always grieve on some level, as will I. They were just that special to us - that isn't a bad thing - but it is a hard thing.
I can’t get over the loss of my beloved ruby .she was one in a million.she was my best friend.your story as touched my heart and I hope one day I’m strong enough again to have another dog.thank you so much.
- AUTHOR
Hi Caitlin
I know it is SO hard to even think of right now but someday, you will decide if it is right for you. Every time we have lost a dog, we said never again but with Griff it was unbearable to even fathom. I am glad I did it now though as Gabby I'm sure would not have survived. I'm glad for us as well because it has made us 'see' Griff again in some ways so that can't be a bad thing. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. Tully sounds like a spectacular friend! Take care.
Thank you Audrey, that seriously means a lot. You have definitely made me consider getting another dog again one day.
Caitlin,
- AUTHOR
Oh Caitlin, I feel so badly for you. It made me cry yet again as I remember that horrible, horrible first bit of trying so hard to get over Griff. The first days, weeks, even months I burst into tears for no reason other than missing him. That is such a tragedy and so young for your Tully, too. I do hate it - I hate that we lose so many pets to cancer - and people! I know that 'larger breeds are more prone to cancer' but it just does not help those of us who lose them - no matter what age they are. Know I'm thinking of you and grieving with you. I just had a dream about Griffin last night. He was sick and I knew he was dying but even that 'bad dream' still made me think of him. It has gotten easier and I think you will find that it does - it doesn't mean that we love them any less or we miss them any less though. I still look at his pictures and depending on the day or whatever, I can cry all over again just for missing him. Emptiness comes in many forms. I am not very religious either - but I like to think of Griffey waiting for me as well. In the meantime, I'm hoping he is romping with Tully and all the other friends who died too young and waiting for us happily. At least they cannot suffer anymore and that was the ONLY way I could let go of him. I could not bear to see him suffer. I know it is early going but down the road, maybe think of another pal. Max and Gabby do not replace Griffin - they actually make me remember him more in some ways just because he was so special. They are special in their own ways though and they do bring us both comfort from missing our best pal ever. It is very strange, too as I see little Griffin 'quirks' in Max sometimes especially and that makes me smile - as if he is in there or watching from somewhere - who knows! Sending you virtual hugs and truly, I am so sorry for your loss. Take care.
I just lost my beautiful 7 year old German Shepherd, Tully, to cancer three days ago. It came out of no where and we had to put her down on the day that we discovered the final stage cancer in her liver and spleen. Just like you, the bond I had with Tully was particularly profound, and she was definitely my therapy. I'm only 21 and still going through university and now I feel so incredibly lost without her. The house feels so empty and it's hard to believe that this wrenching feeling will ever settle. Thank you for writing this, it was very relatable and helpful in some ways. I'm not really religious but I still like to think that she's waiting for me, somewhere.
- AUTHOR
Hi Skm
It is normal to feel broken and helpless - and even to beat yourself up from time to time. We want ourselves to be perfect and unfortunately, this is not anything we can be perfect about. We all have our own ways of dealing with cancer and I've seen it in humans, not just dogs. We or the patient put them through needless therapies that we are hoping and praying will work, and sometimes they just don't. But then we'd be upset because we didn't try, so do give yourself and your family credit because you TRIED! I felt guilt at not having tried anything and everything but by the time we knew and his leg broke, it seemed pointless and inhumane to try and keep him comfortable or save him - in our case. However - if I'd have had the chance for another 9 months of my Griffey, I might have done the same thing - who knows? We can only do what we do out of love and compassion and I truly, truly, truly do not believe that your sweet baby would have missed a day with you - no matter how bad he felt. They love us that much. He will always be with you - no matter what and I do so understand the gaping hole they leave behind....for us and for their brothers and sisters. Gabby was literally going to die without Griffin and Denaya - because she lost all of them within 4 months I think. I do not think she would have recovered. All you can do is keep your other pup entertained as much as you can, love her to death and try not to worry (though I know it is only natural). I still worry about Gabby getting cancer because she is Griffin's niece. I have to believe it will be as it will be - and to enjoy her to the best of my ability, I have to trust that today is a gift and tomorrow an unknown I guess. It really did help her getting Maxwell - though oh my GOSH what a lot of work to start again with a puppy!!! I think any dog might have worked that she was compatible with though so I'm glad we did it though we really, truly were so brokenhearted it seemed like we simply could not do it. I'm glad we did as Griffin 'visits' me every day somehow in Max - that seems odd but I'm sure of it. Little tiny mannerisms or things he does that only Griffin did. Max has a different variation of it most often by a bit but it is still like a call-out from my beloved beautiful boy. He reminds me as well to love and cherish Gabby and Max and hang on for dear life as nothing is a certainty in life. He definitely taught me that - and more. Hugs to you and your family, human and canine. Keep his memory alive but don't dwell on everything you did incorrectly - think of the love you had for him and learn from it - that is all we can do. I have come to terms with the most important thing - berating myself won't bring Griff back and he would be 'furious' with me if he saw me sad and beating myself up because I know he adored me with every fiber in his being. I am trying now to just remember all those good, good times and all that love. I'm trying to love myself like he would have loved me and I wish you that peace also. Take care. Maybe your boy and my boy are romping somewhere and having a gay old time - I hope and pray it is true!
Just lost our heart dog yellow lab of 11 years from the very disease you speak of in this wonderful piece. We did happen to treat his cancer thru radiation therapy (not a weight bearing bone so low risk of fracture), chemo, and unfortunately it delayed but not much else. We knew how the story would play out . We got 9 extra months. I am thankful. For now I struggle because we took treating and hoping too far. I knew better but didn’t have the courage to tell the vet or my husband enuff please let’s let him go with peace and dignity. Instead he suffered horribly in the end due to the very interventions meant to help, that I knew deep in my heart would not. I hope someday i can forgive myself. Now, I have to try to understand how to help his littermate sister cope. She doesn’t understand. It breaks my heart to see her sadness and confusion. I don’t know what to do. Miss him so much and worry about our other baby. Feel so broken and helpless.
- AUTHOR
Hi Tim
I am so very, very sorry. I have never experienced the loss of my dog quite that way though my childhood dog was about the same age and my parents told me that she wandered off and they never found her as well. I don't know what happened to her, and that may be true. Perhaps they loved so much that they didn't want us to bear that pain of having to say goodbye. We just sometimes cannot know -and I understand completely how that is worse than closure because it is the opposite - no closure. I am so sorry. I think now that I have lost Griffin, I grieve even more about my best friends who stuck around so long. I did not realize until I lost him that I was SO blessed to have their company for so very long. I still will always have a special nook in my heart forever for Griffin and I miss him terribly all the time. However, I think I have started to think more about my other dogs who I've lost in the aftermath of all the pain and have tried to conjure up in my mind a place for them - a virtual 'farm' where they all run around me 24/7 and no one is sick and no one gets cancer or dies of old age. Sometimes I think we can more easily love our pets because they are so good to us. They are not like people who do us dirt or family we can't get along with. We treasure them and they treasure us. It is so hard on us when they leave - no matter how they leave. Those extra special ones though - oh my goodness. How it hurts because no matter how 'ready' we are, we are never ready to say goodbye. Again, I'm so sorry. I hope you do get closure on your sweet boy and will hope and pray that that happens. Take care and know that he loved you as much if not more than you loved him. I know my Griff would not have left me for all the world and I will always feel loved because of that - miss him until the day I die - but know he was given to me for a reason. I was blessed. So were you. Virtual hugs.
I am a 66 year old school teacher. If it weren't for having to get up and teach I don't think I would be able to get out of bed at all. Have had dogs all my life, and all were special, but my little Yorkie/Silkie was my greatest love for 13.5 years. We needed each other. No other dog would do things like check each of my legs every night for scratches, and lick one if he found it. He would look so deep into my eyes.
I took the absolute best care I every could of this little fella. A couple of months ago out of the clear blue he started having seizures, which freeked me out, and they found a small tumor next to his brain, that they said could be treated pretty well with medicine. But he would pace endlessly at night until he just wore out and would come sleep next to me. Had to be difficult for him not being able to control all his pacing back and forth for 2-3 hours at a time.
Three weeks ago, I let him outside for a couple minutes at bedtime just like I always have. That night, April 9 however, he did not come back inside. My wife and I and a neighbor looked for him until 3:00 AM and found nothing. He had never ever gone away before. We took off work and school and looked for a solid week in our subdivision and never found him. We even looked for two hours today. And he wore a bright blue harness.
This has absolutely been killing me. Whenever he did die, I was going to have him cremeated then buried with me when I go. But I don't even have his body which makes it even worse. He was a brilliant dog, and I have to think that he made the decision for us as well as him to end his suffering and leave this world. We have had neighbors help us look everywhere. I have grieved for all my dogs dying in my life, but not like this. I have never bonded like this. It is horrible beyond words. I know I will survive eventually, but right now it doesn't seem so. I did not see this coming. The love of my life is gone and just left a big empty space.
- AUTHOR
Oh Jake, I'm so sorry for your tragic loss. What a wonderful companion and how WONDERFUL that he got to see the ocean and live out his obvious dream! It is sad when we lose a dog at any age but especially so very young, whether it is to tragedy or illness - no matter what - I think it just kills a part of us because we did not expect it. I do wish you peace and please don't be too hard on yourself. I know I have a lot of questions about cancers and why dogs seem to get it so much nowadays - is it food? is it pesticides? is it medicines/vaccines? I just don't know - we try and minimize these as well and try our best to do right for our pups - but in the end, I think it is all simply out of our hands. Anything can go wrong on any given day and we have them one moment it seems and they are gone the next. All I can get out of all of this in my own case is that I loved him like no other dog in my life and he loved me back. He was happy and he wanted nothing more than to be there with us. It is unfortunate that he had to 'go' and I like to think someone else needed him just then - he had to go be their 'angel' or their best friend. I do also believe that he has come back to me in a few ways through Max, our male malamute - and of course he is still here in his niece, Gabby. I see him every day in them and I am thankful for the memories. It doesn't mean that I miss him any less or grieve any less for losing him - but they do help me to go on I guess and give me something to be grateful for. I will always treasure every single moment I spent with Griff but I know he would want me to still laugh and still be happy a day at a time. Take care and sending you virtual hugs. I am so sorry for your loss.
I had dog all my life, but one got to me more than any other I had had. He loved water. he used to chase water down the drain when we lived in the city, and stick his head down the drain trying to work out where it went. One day i moved to the coast and when he saw the sea for the first time he went crazy, jumped out the window of the car, crazy and ran to the sea running up and down its edges until I came down and showed him he could go in. From that day on if he was ever missing from the house I could find him down at the water playing with everybody in the water. He was in paradise, a dog who when I found him as a puppy in the street would likely have never have gone on to see the ocean in his life. Or maybe he had remember the ocean from when he was born and then was brought to the city.
I have depression almost every day when I see water or a swimming pool I feel sad that he is gone. I am against vaccinations because I think that the pharmaceutical industry is poisoning them with cancer viruses. He died of Distemper virus. you can't imagine the guilt and regret i feel. 7 years later he would still be by my side. 7 years later I still feel sad every day I miss him. I can't imagine ever having a dog like that again ,he was by my side 24/7 for 2 years. Yes, at 2 years he got that damned Distemper virus. I tried to make him survive it, but finally it shut down his lungs and I watched him suffocate to death in front of me. I tell you that moment when he died, having nobody else around me in that country Brazil, that was the loneliest I have ever felt in my life. It was a darkness like death itself.
- AUTHOR
Hi Carolina
I'm so sorry for your loss of Blacky - that would be terribly painful because you grew up with her. I know my kids were very, very attached to our dogs over the years and hated to lose them as well. We were so very blessed with all but one of our dogs when my kids were growing up living into very old age. We lost one black lab though, Mariah, to the same disease as my beautiful Griffin - bone cancer - and at the same age - 6 years old. It was devastating because she was just "so alive" - just like my Griffin.
I know it sounds silly to a lot of people but I DO BELIEVE IT - I think that they come back to see us. Griffin visits me in my dreams and some of them are painful because in some he is sick all over again, but then in some - he's running and happy - just like I remember him. Maybe your dog did somehow reach out to you to say goodbye, and that is the wonderful thing about those that we love. They somehow know what we need and I believe they do get into our psyche as well as our hearts! I had a weird premonition about one of my malamutes getting cancer - "unfortunately" it was the wrong dog - I thought it was Gabby and it turned out it was Griffin. I feel terrible guilt over that to this day and worry now that she is going to die because I thought of it. I don't think we have much control though over our minds - or our hearts for that matter when it comes to our pets. I think that in time, it will get easier for you to accept simply because we do not want our beloved pets to suffer. That was the only thing that "allowed" me to put Griffin to sleep. I truly did not think I could do it. However, watching him suffer killed me in such a short time that I knew I was being selfish if I let him keep suffering....there was no cure and he would only need more and more medication to stay alive. Why would I want to do that to my beautiful boy? It is so hard to let go but I have come to believe that they will 'return' - somehow they manage to come back and visit us - whether it's in our dreams - or even traits in another dog that we have later on, like Maxwell. He is not Griffin - but he brings me little snatches of memory of my beautiful boy and somehow soothes me in a way that would not happen if I didn't have him. He tries so hard to please us and to ease the pain and for that, I am so thankful - not to mention Griffey's little niece Gabby. She is so happy now that we have Max in her life. Every day I look at Gabby, I see a bit of my Griff, too - and the memories are just treasures. Don't feel badly that you were not there. I lost one of my favorite dogs, Molly, when we were away on vacation of all things and I felt terrible about it. Looking back though, I know that she knew - she adored me and she knew I adored her right back. She will always, always, be with me - and she came 'back' in my next dog, a beautiful rescued malamute named Denaya. Funny how life cycles. Take care - I'm thinking of you, and again, so sorry for your loss. Sending you virtual hugs.
Hi Audrey, reading about griffin has made me realise we all feel the same in concern of grieveing our dogs. I saw some photos and he was a gorgeous dog and you should always remember him with loads of love, I know it’s very hard because I experience this terrible pain as well, I had never loads anyone so dearly. I just had never felt something like this and I’ve been so heartbroken, I just want to go back in time. I keep thinking that I don’t want to forget my Blacky, she passed away 1 month and a half ago at 12. I’m studying in a foreign country since a year and a half ago and there was nothing more heartbreaking for me than leaving my furry babies behind with my parents, and I just kept on wishing that she would stay for longer, that I would be able to say goodbye, she was so strong she didn’t even look old to my eyes. Two days before her passing I felt like I seriously needed to talk with her, I had this terrible urge to see her. I Skyped my mom that night and asked to see the baby that had been with me since I was 9, and she said Blacky wasn’t there, she was at the vet because of a pneumonia. She died 20 hours later of lung failure and my mom ordered the vet to stop trying to revive her, to stop hurting her anymore. I know I shouldn’t be this upset and I should think about the 12 beautiful years she gave me. All the love she had for me as a kid and as I grew up. She was there in my worst moments. But I just ask myself if she sent me a sign, if I had this urge to see her because she was sending me a goodbye, I feel like I failed her, I feel like I wasn’t greatful enough for the beautiful soul she was. Right now I just want to go back to my country to see my family and my other dog that was incredibly bonded to her, but because of responsibilities I can’t go until August and at the same time I dread going there and not see her welcome me at the door, not hear her paws against the wood or her snores. Suddenly the house will be so different and I think I’ll grieve over again as if it had just happened. I have terribly sad dreams about her about how I’ll never see her shiny, kind eyes again, how nothing of her soul remains for me to hug, how I have lost my childhood baby. I know with time I’ll feel better, and what she really wants is for me and all my family to love our other pets the same way we loved her, and that she is waiting for all us, and I can’t wait to see her again one day and tell her I love her more than anything and if she hadn’t been there as my first dog, as my childhood dog, my whole life and me as a person wouldn’t be the same.
- AUTHOR
Hi Ash
Essays are OKAY when it comes to losing our best friends! I completely understand your feelings and your pain. At the present time, I have Max and Gabs but I don't know if I can truly ever go through it again. Losing Griffin just tore such a huge hole in my heart that I have to seriously think about it. I went on with Max because I felt that I owed Gabby that much. She adored Griffin and I could not bear to see her die as well, and I am convinced she just would have given up. Just know that Roxy knew how much you loved her - there is no doubt in my mind that these pets that we love so much do not feel it right back!!! I know just from looking at the pictures I have of Griff that he adored me as much as I loved him. It is just so sad that we have such short times with them - whether it's 6 years or 13-1/2....it is all the same grief. I'm sorry for your loss. If you ever do get to the point where you decide to get another dog, don't think of it as a replacement...though I have many, many times been upset with myself for comparing Max to Griff. They are just a reminder perhaps though of what we did have - and they are all SO easy to love. I adore Maxwell - not in the same exact ways but he has grown on me! He adores me and that seems to be all it takes! Someone to love us unconditionally. Wishing you peace over your loss - and you will decide if it is ever time or not to get another companion. No matter what we decide, it is okay to grieve and it is okay to keep missing someone who meant so much to us. Hugs!
Reading your article has helped me realise my grieving is normal too! I had to get my German shepherd Roxy put down year and a half ago and I still cry most days. I had her from a puppy until she was 13.5 years old! She was such a beautiful ginger dog with such a quirky personality! She was so intelligent aswell! She came into my life during a real rough patch and was there to cuddle and talk to through all my life dramas. I genuinely thought of her as my baby and would of given my life for her, which I no sounds stupid to some.
I've thought about getting another dog but no dog could ever compare to Roxy plus I don't think I could go through this heartbreak again!
Sorry for the essay!
- AUTHOR
Oh Michele - it makes me cry just reading your beautiful words and I'm sending you virtual hugs. I TOTALLY get it. Two and a half years later, I still cry about it and think what could I have done differently. I don't think there was anything in reality but it is because we just loved them so much. Having Max is not quite the same because he is so different from Griffin, but I can tell you, he has healed both of us just because we are busy with him and he does make us laugh most days. Then I look up to the sky and say 'ah - there you are my sweet Griffin - thanks for visiting me again and reminding me to cherish Max while I have him.' I think of him and it somehow makes it better. It takes a long, long time to grieve though - for people and I think for our pets because they just love us SO unconditionally. I've thought so much about it and still think about it. I think it is so 'unfair' the way these particular pets had to die and it was such a shock that perhaps that makes it even worse. I also tell myself Griff would come and lay his head on my hip or put his head in my laugh and give me his longest most soulful look and say "Mom, don't cry - I will always love you and I loved, loved, loved the time I had with you. Thank you for being my friend and being so good to me." You are right - there will never be another Teddy - and I'll never have another Griffey boy but we have to somehow go on and try really hard to think how lucky we were. It is that old saying - life is too short. I'll miss him until the day I die but I do find it a little easier as time goes on. Again, I think Max (and Gabby too) are distractions in a way from the grief part and that is a good thing. Hugs to you and I'm so very sorry for your loss. He sounds like a magnificent dog!!!
Audrey,
You literally explained exactly how I feel. I'm so heartbroken. I was so happy, thankful, grateful and so in love with my Teddy, as a dog. He was a talker too. Just my all around black shadow, that we took everywhere with us. We planned trips around him, we took trips that we knew he'd love. Just as part of our family, everyone of our friends just loved him to death. He was our toy, we were his. He was our pack and we were his. He was our family, and we were his.
I feel so guilty. Like why I didn't notice him changing earlier. And I am angry. I just thought he was getting a little older. I just took him for an ordinary visit because they said he needed a vaccine, and the next thing they tell me is he has bone cancer. WHAT?? no blood work, no nothing. It was such a nightmare. He might have had liver cancer, we only did a ultrasound. No biopsy. No bone cancer either. All I know is he got a vaccine and went totally downhill after that. I felt so helpless. He kept looking at me as to help him. Teddy just turned 10. He passed away a couple weeks later, in my arms with me yelling that I loved him in his ear, and that I was so sorry I couldn't save him. He started to breath again, and then stopped. It was horrible. He died in his own home, with me holding all 90 pounds of him. I miss every single day. I look out the window every morning and tell him good morning! Every night, I say it's time to go nite nite Teddy. I know I could get another dog. There will never in my lifetime, be another Teddy. And it still feels like he was just here 5 minutes ago, like you said. He was my beautiful black soft curly straight furry Australian Shepherd/Border Collie mix. So beautiful. To me anyway. Thank you so much for sharing your story about Griffin. And about how you felt. Somehow, the pain you felt, didn't make me feel so alone on how I felt. I go over and over in my mind, how I could have done things differently. I took such good care of him, and in the end, it didn't really matter. because he died way to soon. I know if I ever do get another dog, I will do things a little differently as far as vet care and vaccines go. Thank you again for your wonderful heartfelt writtings.
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Ah Anonymous - my heart goes out to you. It just seems so unfair and I completely get your pain as well. I dream about Griffey every now and again and I think that is weird but also helps me in some strange, comforting way. Even though I adore Gabby and Max now and they are constant companions, there was no one more special than my Griffin or at least it feels that way still. When I dream of him, he is whole and healthy and that is just such a gift! Like you, I hope to see him one day again and be able to hug him crazily! He was one of a kind for sure and I was SO blessed to have had him. That is the gift I guess and have to try and remember that. Hugs to you and so sorry for your tragic loss.
Jody - you are right - it is so hard to forgive ourselves! I kept saying for months 'why didn't I see that' - but what difference would it have made in the end? Not much at all. I would have known for longer but it would have hurt just the same. Griffin would not have wanted me to grieve and I do know that - he was the craziest, most comical dog on the planet and he just wanted everyone to be happy and love him - and give him treats! He would not have been one to want people crying over him I imagine (if he could think or talk about it!!!). I know how much he adored me/all of us - and I know how much we all loved him so that has to be enough. It was a gift as I said above and one I can never be grateful enough for - even though it has been the hardest pet loss I have ever suffered and there were many. He will live on in my heart though - and apparently my dreams! That is a kind of cool thing I think and I don't mind the visitations at all. Thanks for your kind comments and I'm so sorry for your devastating loss as well. I tend to think of him always with a tear and a smile - it will probably get better with time. I 'see him' still in Max and that is also a good thing. He reminds me of what I need to do and how much to enjoy ever precious moment we have with them. Take care.
You need to forgive yourself. I went thought the same thing 4 years ago. It absolutely devastate me. I did the best I could do at the time. I also learned a lot as well. They are great teachers, unfortunately in death as well. I still cry every once in a while but I know I'll see again.
Hi, first of all thank you for putting your thoughts on the net, put a real lump in my throat. In my 30's now and I've just lost my 2 year old dog to a hit and run... in front of me
In the past I've buried 3 dogs before all of them hurt the same and yes you do move on... but I always had big dogs ( labs/staffs... but my 2 year old was a chihuahua cross - small fluffy and white dog
And I tell you he has been gone 2 weeks and 2 days and I have never felt like this ever - he was special to me in a way I can't even describe x your not on your own in this world and all I can say is it was a pleasure to have had him in my life and one day I hope I do see him again xx
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Hi Melissa - I can just imagine how your heart must hurt as it is indeed just a moment ago that you lost your buddy. I remember that feeling well and send you virtual hugs. It is so hard to lose them and all I can say is that it gets a little easier with time though I still 'see him' when I think of something that reminds me of him so I think they are always with us, those extra, extra special ones. Just know that he knew you adored him and that it will get better with time.
I appreciate your post and hope that time has helped. Your Griffin sounds like he was a special guy! I too lost my dearest friend, Finnegan, a 9.5 year old golden retriever, a month ago today. I have had a very hard time adjusting as he was such a part of my life and such a loyal and true blue friend. I think I will always miss him. He gave me so much comfort and peace in my heart and I miss him dearly. Your words gave me comfort - thank you.
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Hi Luann - that isn't so long ago so I feel your pain. That is pretty fresh grief and I am so sorry for your loss. They just aren't with us long enough and I guess my only hope and prayer is that I do get to see them all again someday - but especially my Griffin. Bless you for rescuing Harley as that is the greatest gift you could have given him and loving him all the way to the end.
My dog Harley passed away on October 1, 2017. I rescued him over 11 years before he passed and wasn't sure of his age. I started to cry again after looking at a video of him. My heart hurts but I try to focus that I did the best that I could for him at the end and didn't want him in pain & confused about what was happening to him. He had liver disease and going blind. One day he seemed he had enough and could not even sit comfortably. I was with him till the end but still feel I wish I could have done more for him. He got sick and got bad really fast and all the meds seemed to make him sicker. anyway he was my heart and soul and I will always be sad until we meet again! I needed to vent, don't want to get family or friends down any longer...thank you!
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Hi Hugh - I completely agree with you - it is the unconditional love part that gets us and keeps us in their debt. I don't think I'll ever love a dog quite as much as my Griffey but again, he was just such a gift. I have to remember that every time I get upset that he's gone and remember the good and try and forget the bad. I'm so glad you have had the blessings of so many healing dogs in your life. I have had so many GREAT dogs - all of them in fact - it was just/it is just that Griffin was beyond special. I do think he was an angel - and if that is true, he will always be with me. Take care. I encourage you to put your experiences to use as well!!!
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Hi Drew - I'm so sorry for your loss. I think we love them so much that it just really is the hardest thing ever to lose them because they love us no matter who we are - it's that unconditional love thing. Griffin just had a way about him that I will never, ever forget but I try and think now how very lucky I was to have had him! It was just the best 6 years I can ever imagine. Unfortunately it wasn't enough but it is better than no time with him I suppose.
I lost my dog this year. His name was Woody, and my parents owned him since before I was born. He had a therapy dog in his blood so he was naturally soft and sweet. I will miss him forever. I didn’t cry at first when I lost him, but I am thinking about him now and it hurts way more than it ever has to lose him.
I've had dogs for the last 40 years, each and everyone stole my heart. You may have come across a book or film called a Dog's Purpose, a nice story about dogs and very touching. For me, I got a sense of why I have had these creatures in my life, they were, without me knowing, my therapy dogs.
I had some extremely horrific trauma when I was very young and for some unknown reason I had dogs that were there for me and pulled me through the dark times, and kept me going. There is no rime or reason for it, and without them, I know I would not have survived.
My journey is not finished and there are a few more pages to write,and I will always need a dog by my side. In writing those pages though it occurs to me that maybe my life I'm living, has a different purpose than I think, passing something on to help others as you have done by writing about Griff and your loss has helped me immensely, and brought me closer to my own grief and gratitude for the unconditional love given to me by such wonderful aminals. That is perhaps the best part of having a dog in our lives. We are given the example of unconditional love. Hopefully one day we learn to do that for our own species and live our lives in service to others.
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Hi Freya - so glad to see you as well! It has been a very long time. I kind of got caught up in raising my beautiful malamute puppies and life got a bit crazy. You are right though, any time we have with our beloved pets is worth the ride and it is always too short in terms of OUR time I find. I have loved so many and lost so many and not sure why this one hit me so hard but he was just special. I'm so sorry for your losses. That's what I tell myself all the time - people lose pets a lot younger than I lost Griff and to tragedies and just plain senselessness, like people kidnapping your pet. Heartbreaking! I will think good thoughts about your baby out there living a good life - and I still hope and pray that Griffin is running somewhere waiting for me 'on the other side' one of these days. If not, I have so many happy memories and you are right - even through tears, he still makes me smile every single time! Hugs to you and best wishes!
Hello, Audrey. It's been a long time. How are you there? Your Griffin sounds amazing. He was lucky to able to meet you and loved by you. And you were lucky that you able to had him in your life.
This story I can relate. I lost 3 cats along the way. 1 from an accident at only 1 year old. The other one from sickness at 7 months old only. And the last one just got kidnapped along with her best friend a few months ago at the age of 5. I'm still grieving. I already lost all hope to be able to find her, but in my thought, I keep saying, it's fortunate she still alive somewhere if it still able to be considered as luck.
Grieve all we want, in the end, they will never stay for a long time. In the end, enjoy every day we have with them to the fullest is the best thing we can do. so the sweetest memories of them will stay even when they were gone.
From one pet lover to another one pet lover, I hope you already able to smile brightly than crying sadly everytime you miss Griffin. The beauty of his memories worth ton of loving smile, even one with wet eyes.
I hope you have a great day there, Audrey. I miss everyone here, but it seems many have closed their account. So sad.
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True, true, Adrienne. Always a horrible thing for a dog to have to suffer and in my own experience, the horrific part is you have them 1 minute and are enjoying life and then the next they are doomed. It is almost always too late to even treat, let alone cure. Thanks so much for your comment - and he will always be with me that is for sure. I was blessed to have had him for 6 years and I have to remind myself of that.
I am so sorry, reading this has brought tears to my eyes. Bone cancer is such a cruel condition. Losing a pet hurts and it hurts a whole lot. Only time can ease a bit the suffering, but they will always be missed.
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Randy - oh I have missed all the snake talk as I'm so 'fond' of them! Maxwell actually got a snake the other day and I was completely freaked out! We left Central Oregon and rattlesnake country so I am grateful for that at least!
Seriously though - I had several dogs (at least 3 or 4) that lived to be 14-17+ years old and dang - they were the fighters - they were the ones that were blessed - and we were too! I had a labrador, a whippet/collie, the most butt ugly dog you ever saw (basset hound and lab mix) and then our abused malamute that we rescued who was almost put down at 1 year of age because she was starved and hobbled.
You can feel it because you are there with me. These dogs have been there forever with you and you can't imagine your life without them. How did they survive all that time and you cannot imagine life without them?
I don't know which is worse - saying goodbye to a dog you have had for so long and thought would just keep on going forever - or losing one that 'should not' have died so young. NONE of it is okay - and none of it is easy. It is kind of like life unfortunately.
I had (prior to Griffin) always believed that my dog died so that another one would be put there in his or her place with the same personality or characteristics to ease my pain - and it happened every time - except this time. Griff was one in a million for sure and I don't think I've been rocked this hard ever. I treasure all my "oldies but goodies" because they did give me such joy and I know how LUCKY I was that they lived that long. That is why I think I feel so guilty that I feel so badly or deeply about Griff but the heart has a funny way of reacting without our consent. We love who we love most and our dogs or pets are no exception.
There is no rhyme or reason to loving our dogs (or pets of any kind). I will hope and pray that Ally gets to stay for a LONG, long time yet...and don't send Beth with her. I have always found that getting another dog does 'help' and it always has for us. Even this time with Max - I love him to the moon and back. This particular time, he can't replace what I lost but maybe that's okay. Maybe that pain was okay and just means that I had the best of the best for me for now. I don't mind "as much" if that is the case. I would much rather have had Griff and loved him and had all that joy for whatever short (or long) time I had him - than not to have ever known him and loved him that much.
Thanks for stopping in and for loving Ally - that is never a bad thing!
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Oh Gordon - I am sitting here with tears running down MY cheeks as not only did you lose your mother for heaven's sake but you lost Robbie. It is so hard - and that is why I think I needed to write this. I could not get the pain out no matter what I've tried to do. I read somewhere where having a 'sort of shrine' to your dog can help you. I have so many pictures of Griff that it is probably insane but he was so photogenic - he just could not help it. They do help - but they still make me cry. But is crying such a bad thing? I've come to realize probably not - I lost my stepfather a few months ago and my mom now has dementia and she is in a retirement center - and all these things are just plain hard! They all make us cry and grieve - so that was what I was thinking as well. Maybe grieving Griffin was helping me in some way grieve for my other losses that we experienced. I do not know. All I know is that I was blessed and cursed all in the same breath....but to have not loved him or had him in my life - it would not have been the same without him. I'm so sorry for your loss of Robbie...cancer is an ugly thing and my vet told us that the tiniest little seed planted is usually just too late. I think Griff's had spread to his lungs by the time we knew it and it would never have served him to put him through all that. I called him Sir Prance-a-lot - and many other affectionate names. He just deserved so much better, and so did you and your mom's Robbie. You did remarkably well in your situation so all I can say is I hope you know that and do not beat yourself up as I have done. It was nothing I could fix and all we can both say is that we did our very best!
I did save Griff's fur - I have a ton of it as it is as soft as angora from all the grooming. I am going to spin it and knit it into a forever hat and scarf - one of these days when I can. I have watched a few videos now 2 years out and do LOVE hearing his 'voice' as that was so much a part of him.
I again am so sorry for YOUR losses. My very best wishes to you, Gordon. Thanks for the friendship of loss. Sometimes that can be the greatest blessing of all - someone who understands.
Hello, Audrey
I am so sorry for your loss and I understand so completely. I too have experienced the loss of several beloved dogs over the years but it was the similarity in your story to what happened to me earlier this year that probably had the tears running down my face as I read more and more of your article.
These past few years, I had been back living with my Mum due to unfortunate circumstances in my own life. As well as my Mum, I shared her little house with Robbie, her incredible, wonderfully natured dog, of a type so special I had truly never before experienced. He was everything you describe of your Griff, loved by all who encountered him and especially adored by my Mum.
In late 2015, Robbie's back legs started to fail (common problem with German Shepherds) but he was only six. Nonetheless, both back legs had to have steel plates inserted to give him balance and full mobility, meaning he was restricted in many ways in what he could do and particularly what he could be allowed to do. Just as he was improving, my Mum started to rapidly deteriorate, losing the power of speech and her ability to swallow. She had to be tube fed at home and I found myself caring both for my Mum and Robbie to the best of my ability, with the aid of the wonderful nurses who attended my Mum at least twice a day.
On March 2nd this year, my Mum took a massive stroke and passed away on March 9th, without regaining consciousness. Two days after her funeral, my brother called in to the house as he often did and was playing with Robbie. He asked me what the lump was on Robbie's front paw, about the size of a golf ball cut in half. I was amazed I hadn't noticed it but we got him to the vet next day, thinking it was an insect bite. The vet shook her head ominously and said she'd have to refer him to an oncologist at one of the veterinary hospitals in Glasgow.
We were lucky at least to have him seen within a couple of weeks but the news was horrific. A biopsy confirmed it was the most virulent form of bone cancer and the vet gave him 4 to 6 weeks without treatment. He offered chemotherapy, radiotherapy and more but we couldn't face putting him through the described side effects. Amputation of his front leg wasn't an option due to the weaknesses in both his back legs. He was on painkillers and I nursed him best I could.
Robbie deteriorated rapidly and I got the effective, "I can't do no more for him, Jim," speech from his vet 5 weeks later. My brother and I held him and petted him from either side as the vet did what we all knew had to be done.
I got Robbie cremated and his ashes now sit in pride of place in my living room, on top of his favourite blanket, with my Mum's favourite photo of him on top. I continue to miss him as well as my Mum every day but do try to focus on the wonderful memories of times and years gone by. They do help but I haven't yet been able to look at the many videos I have of him I have as I fear the pain remains too raw and it would hurt too much. One thing I am particularly grateful for is that my Mum didn't have to witness the deterioration and passing of her beloved dog from down here among us mortals.
I really hope that while you continue to enjoy your wonderful memories of Griff, the pain will progressively dull over time. We both know the sense of loss can never be extinguished but coping is probably the key and - again, as we both know - that does become more manageable with the passage of time.
Best wishes to you, Gordon
Your grief is very understandable, Audrey. Being reared on a farm we had many dogs that never lasted enough to become beloved pets. What with the rattlesnakes and them not understanding a vehicle would kill them or a farm combine would thresh them, I never became particularly close to a dog.
But then came Ally, a long haired, sort legged Jack Russel which stole both mine and my wife's hearts. She'll be 17 years old before long and she spent many days riding with me on a tractor. When she goes I may have to send Beth with her...
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Thanks so much, Jaye - he was so much a part of my writing that it has been so hard for me to think of writing again but on the other hand....it seemed the best way to help heal myself. I do not think I will ever get over the loss but as I said, I really try and count my blessings so to speak. To have been blessed with such a special gem and such a fellow, I cannot ever let go of those positives. Thanks so much for your caring and your kindness. I will miss my 'fur angel' forever but he left me with so many good memories that I have to believe it was all for some reason. Bless you, too, dear!
Such a beautiful tribute to your beautiful boy, Griffin, but also heartbreaking, Audrey. Bless you. Jaye
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