The Top 5 Worst Pets
5 Worst Animals to Keep as Pets
Animals are great. There is no denying the fact that life would not be the same without them. Pets are a vision of our better natures—masters of the wisdom and simplicity we wish we could attain in our lives.
But let's face it, some animals are better left outside of the home and should really not be sold in pet stores, much less anywhere where someone might find them. These are either animals that are more difficult to keep than advertised or animals so vicious, so destructive, that it's a wonder they are still offered for sale nation-wide. Some animals just make the worst pets.
The views expressed in this article are mostly entirely satirical and should not be taken to the grave. Some animals on this list genuinely do not make good pets for beginners, however, and it is recommended that you do the proper research before purchasing any animal.
Also known as budgies, budgerigars, and miserable freaks of nature, parakeets are small parrots indigenous throughout Australia (the same place that supports a splendid array of other friendly creatures). They eat a modest diet of seeds, vegetation, and human blood, while screaming and beeping continuously in a cacophony that fills the air and deafens the ear. After all, they spend their time traveling together in flocks of thousands, so they have to be able to hear one another over all that racket.
Parakeets Are Noisy
Parakeets have the honor of being scientifically classified as Melopsittacus undulatus, which in Latin literally means "melodious parrot undulations." Yes, it's true. The melodious sound of their mechanical squeals are reminiscent of a dying chipmunk, punctuated by all the warbling nonsense of a senile patient. The continuous buzz of their annoyingly pervasive song is enough to make one succumb to an anger only witnessed in those who have survived fingernails on a chalkboard.
Parakeets Are Mean
As one might assume from their horrible noises, parakeets are downright mean. In fact, birds get a kick out of teasing others. They can frequently be seen plucking, pecking, wing-bashing, and generally taunting their fellow mates for sport. Some people claim that this is "funny" or "cute" because birds are so like us, in that we choose similar outlets for our boredom, but they would be wrong. Well, actually, they would be right, but it doesn't make this behavior any less despicable.
They Are After Blood
Speaking of their beastly behaviors . . . have you ever tried to catch a parakeet in a cage? This sounds like a fairly easy endeavor, but it is, unfortunately, a dangerous dance with the devil. They never want to come out, and removing them from their wiry home is about as easy as wading through a crocodile-infested river, and just as equally safe. Parakeets are equipped with stupid, little beaks and a blunt brain, which they use in unison to bite onto any inch of your skin that is exposed. Once latched, they will scissor their beaks back and forth in a vicious, pinching, gnawing fashion, which is both painful and infuriating.
They Are Poop Machines
How can such a small animal inflict so much pain, you may wonder? Why are they so full of hate? Just more of the many mysteries of the universe. But something that is no mystery is the sheer mountains of poop that they will generate over a very small span of time. Every parakeet owner will come to find that parakeets poop on beds, carpets, your clothes, and even your hair. They constantly poop. Poop is all over the place.
Their Numbers Are Great
So, do you like obnoxious, little birds that shed dandruff and rain feces from the ceiling while simultaneously eyeing you up to target the most sensitive areas on your hand (the skin between your fingers)? If so, then you're in luck! Every pet store on the face of the planet has approximately 2 million of these irritating little things!
Melodious Parrot Undulations
Did you know that the common goldfish can grow up to one foot long? In actuality, there are a lot of things about goldfish you probably don't know. Such as the fact that, for their size, they are possibly the dirtiest non-aggressive freshwater fish available in pet stores. Does this mean they survive in bowls? No, it doesn't.
Their Lifespan Can Exceed 30 Years of Age
There exists a large number of uneducated people who believe that goldfish can survive splendidly in bowls, because, well, they had a goldfish in a bowl when they were a kid that survived a whole year! Goldfish actually have the ability to live over 30 years. The ridiculousness of those defending the "long lifespan" of their 6-month-old or 1-year-old goldfish is about as laughable as someone saying they did a great job with their last Rottweiler because it survived a whole week under their care.
Most people pick up goldfish at the pet store with nothing but a bowl and some fish flakes to go. This is a mistake, and will most assuredly always end in a fish that lives but a fraction of its typical life, which undoubtedly will result in both a crying child and more money for yet another replacement.
They Need Lots of Space
To adequately keep a goldfish, one is recommended to provide 5 gallons per inch of fish and a filter that both circulates and cleans the water, which will by this time be full of ammonia because goldfish are such filthy little creatures. This is all not even to mention the entirety of what we call the nitrogen cycle, also known as "The Ridiculously Complicated and Delicate Life of Water Chemicals and Bacteria in Domestic Aquariums."
They Require Husbandry Knowledge
People are constantly flabbergasted as to why their goldfish, or any fish, die all the time, and it's probably because they haven't done their proper research. Parasites, nitrites, ammonia, pH, hardness, temperature, tank size, adequate filtration systems, appropriate day/night cycles, and oxygenation are just a few of the little gems you'll have to deal with when setting up a proper (e.g. anything that you intend to last longer than a few weeks) tank.
Like most evil things, hamsters have the outward appearance of being cute, fluffy, cuddly, and all things that kids are for some reason drawn to. In fact, when kids see hamsters, they elicit instantaneous squeals and coos of perturbing obsession that only seem to become harsher in volume. But before you reach a hand into that Critter Trail to give your cuddly new pet a tickle, consider the following: Hamsters are absolutely terrifying.
Hamsters Are Absolutely Terrifying
It is a well-known fact that hamsters are bloodthirsty killers that will bite through your fingers without a second thought. In fact, there are few things in life that hamsters will not attempt to puncture full of holes, and the only thing they hate more than fingers is apparently everything. Even metal is no match for the destructive power of these hateful biting machines.
They Find Their Way Into Your Home . . .
Through means of genius deception and cut-throat tactics, hamsters have established themselves within millions of homes all throughout America. They are in rooms with your sons. They inhabit the same living spaces as your daughters. They pander to your child's ridiculous interest in weird rodents enough for you to buckle under the pressure and buy one, two, or five, and then, once they have settled themselves into their new home, the bloodbath begins.
Their Urine Is Highly Acidic and Fragrant
Do not be fooled by the chubby arms and beady little eyes of these popular pet store vermin. Those colorless peepers are windows into the inky blackness of the hamster's nonexistent soul—God's only warning that would stop us from otherwise hugging a giant, wriggling, screaming pile of them. And oh, they scream! They sound like a . . . well, they sound like a dying hamster.
In addition to their less-than-pleasant bedside manner, hamster urine is highly acidic and extremely difficult to clean. If left for just a week, it can cake, stain, permeate, and even begin to erode plastic. Don't even get me started on the smell . . .
2. Green Iguanas
What a cutie! Such intelligent eyes! Neato burrito, only $30 bucks? It's small, colorful, fun to watch, and cheap—what could be a better combination? Green iguanas: best pet ever? Green iguanas: worst pet ever.
Green iguanas are green and flashy, beautiful and exotic, pragmatic and active, and full of charm . . . as babies. But soon enough you'll notice that your cuddly little lizard starts wearing out his novelty by constantly breaking curfew, bringing his irresponsible friends over whenever you're out of town, and, of course, magically making all of the liquor in your cabinet disappear.
They Are Hard to Resist
Unsuspecting American citizens all across the country walk into pet stores with only the best intentions in mind, looking for a new best friend. Unfortunately, these ignoramuses are doomed upon entry, for the mere sight of a baby green iguana is near impossible to resist. The sparkliness of a young green iguana's body is designed to attract males and females alike, stirring in them an intoxicating, alien fascination.
They Are Expensive Pets
These animals seem easy to manage in the pet store, but they are really expensive money pits that require constant UVB lighting, UVA lighting, heat, nutritional supplements, extensive saladry, climbing materials, baths, and medical care, should something go wrong (and believe me, something always goes wrong)! Metabolic bone disease, gout, hypothyroidism, kidney diseases, stomatitis, ticks, mites, roundworms, and flatworms are all just examples of the things a typical green iguana owner will come to witness.
They Are Invasive
Green iguanas have become invasive in some states, namely Florida, where they toss about eating peoples' shrubs and digging holes wherever they fancy. They also like to poop in peoples' pools, which is cool, I guess, if you like animals pooping in your pool.
Not only that, but as pets, green iguanas quickly grow from being a bright green, 6-inch individual, to a 6-foot-long, dull-gray monster capable of scratching your eyes out, biting your pinkies off, and lashing your bare skin with its powerful whip of a tail.
Lizard Shows Cat Who Is Boss
You may be wondering how anyone could call cats the worst pets ever when there are over 80 million cats kept as pets in the United States alone. Surely cats must be great due to the large influx of their popularity in American homes. But the truth of the matter is that cats are terrible and would sooner watch you drown in the bathtub than please you by correctly using the litter box. Cats simply have no time for bull ****.
They Are Selfish
It's true. Cats are not interested in the least bit of happiness, sadness, or anger you express, nor are they particularly moved by any affection you may offer them. These selfish beasts are under the impression that the world revolves around them—worthy of nothing less than to be doted on 24/7. Constantly dissatisfied with every toy, treat, meal, and game you offer them, cats only seem interested in pooping under your bed, peeing on your pillows, dragging dead (or not so dead) birds to either rot or ricochet about your house, and lastly, of course, hurting you.
They Are Ungrateful
This poor little girl became aware of the contemptible characteristics of cats early on when her own long lost pet thanked her for her continuing care by sinking its fangs into her hand. What a jerk. Compare that train wreck of ungratefulness with the video of a dog being reunited with his owner (below).
They Get Away With Everything
For being such demanding, self-centered beasts, cats get away with a lot. They are allowed to roam free in your neighbor's yards (this is called being an "outdoor cat"), dig up gardens or children's sandboxes to plant festering piles of poo in, steal things, decimate wildlife, and even attack small children in the face. Feral cats are even allowed protection, meals, and spay/neuter programs despite the fact that they are invasive, destructive, murderous, disease-spreading packs of wild animals.
Dogs could never get away with this kind of reckless behavior. Packs of feral dogs are captured and destroyed if they are not adoptable, and any attack made by a dog on a child would result in the animal's immediate euthanasia. But cats are free to run willy nilly through the countryside, spreading their disease to the rest of the feline populace and causing little girls worldwide to burst into tears.
They Carry Disease
Speaking of spreading diseases, enter one parasite by the name of Toxoplasma gondii. This bizarre creature has the ability to infest you and not only threaten the life of your baby (if you are pregnant), but also alter your mental state. In simpler words, this protozoa can control your brain by releasing endorphins whenever you smell cat urine. Crazy cat ladies just started to make a lot more sense! Additionally, Toxoplasmosis carried by feral cats into wilderness areas is causing a slew of diseases in wild animals, including deer and whales.
Detrimental to our native animals through means of predation and disease, harmful to our children and potentially to our pregnant women, the destructive forces of cats far outweigh any other pet animal known to human due to the sheer number of feral and outdoor individuals (which, according to the Stray Pet Advocacy, is somewhere between 18 and 87 million). All this makes the subtly refined cat, shrouded in a cloak of mock innocence, the worst pet ever.